I know now why I needed to remember how hard this was for me – the illness I have just come through, the excrutiating pain, and, to a lesser extent, the complete loss of freedom. It seemed important that I didn’t forget this time, didn’t gloss over how wracking the experience was, as has been my habit. Why was this important?
“Don’t let me forget this,” I asked of my husband, as I whimpered in pain — sensing but not understanding the importance of the request. Now I know. it was so I could ‘drop it’ from THIS place – this place of knowing.
I see now that it was another iteration of my old need to be validated by someone else’s witness. It was my long-time, SECRET wish for someone to notice my pain, at odds with my need to seem perfectly fine and in control.
My wish to be witnessed has been fulfilled, in spades. I was definitely seen, in all of my helpless, hairless, crippled, smelly glory. Now I want to ‘drop it’ — drop it from THIS place — from self knowledge, self witness. I never really needed validation from others; I always had God; I always had Self; I was always okay — and valid — just as I AM.